My Memories of 2016 as Scathing Reviews of Batman vs Superman 

by JOHN GALLAHER

 

 

Look, up in the sky!  Look what the culture is thinking of itself!  Two
orphans are up against it, ladies and gentlemen.  And aren’t we all
orphans in some way?  Aren’t we all adopted?  The illegal alien falls
to earth in a ball of fire.  The wealthy child watches again and again, 
as his parents are murdered.  We’ll stop there, as the rest is all about
newspapers and money, the ability to fly and the metaphor of only
falling.  Night falls.  Exterior.  I’m three years old and I’m not allowed
to fly alone, so somehow the airline or someone in the family made
arrangements with a man to sit next to me, because it’s important to
have someone to sit next to you.  The pilot gave me some pin-on
silver wings, because back then the cockpits were open, inviting places.  
It was all right there, as if you could just sit down and say go.  And I
flew to Kansas, to prove that people sometimes do go to Kansas, 
though I had no say in the matter, as is the way with orphans.  So the
dream is Superman, but the dream is Batman just as well, though I’ve
never really cared for either.  I liked Spiderman a lot more, another
orphan, though I don’t remember his backstory.  Something traumatic, 
I guess, because to be a superhero, you have to be one who’s working
to avenge the past, to redeem yourself, or to prove yourself worthy.  
Something like that.  I forget the exact economy or superheroes, 
having given them up early for cowboys, who are quiet about the
whole pain-to-performance thing, and who just want a bit of land or
some obscure unsaid, and are always strangers, and backstories are
for wusses anyway.  The first known use of the word wuss, by the
way, was in 1976, and its origin is unknown, an orphan word, though
everyone immediately knew what it meant, just as, in the end, there’s
only this one movie playing, but many screens.  And each has only
one person in the audience, you.  If you get up and walk out, you walk
into the same theater anyway.  There are a lot of people who get lost
this way, though I could just as easily have said “found.”  Just as easily, 
the switch, like everyone else crying or clawing or dreaming to be born.