[the technology used to create both a gun
silencer and a car muffler are similar enough that
they were invented parallel to each other]
a consideration of other parallels:
two ex-partners, different religions, tell me
their origin stories: brain waifs itself. body
follows. depression wears my lovers’
faces as masks. both ex-partners talk
with their hands about their prophets.
both ex-partners believe in a god-
knowledge that strengthens with practice--
senior year of high school i both shoot
a gun and get into a car accident. the night
my car revolv[er]ed around another’s i
consumed smoke until i was a muffled god--
god of the third story window-panes and
an ex-partner’s eyes / wide, spinning /
every mouth like looking down a gun-barrel,
begging me to be quieter / muffled / my
friends’ hands over my yell / the cops
will come / you’ll get us all caught--
summer before senior year of university
i am arrested / caught, perhaps / and my car
tires slashed. this is the summer i watch
two ex-partners, different regions, arrested
on live-stream. their wrists / cuffed, silenced /
the cops’ guns loud / a car barrels through
a protest and a woman / dies and in jail,
i imagine my partners also / in jail / later,
he tells me solitary confinement gives him
nothing to do but build flowers out of toilet
paper. the guards noticed / yelled, muffled /
his small gods’ loud metaphor--
after i am released i am still pulled over
on a cop’s lies. i snap loud / i know my
rights / and i am given a ticket for this
/ honesty / that night my lover and i
smoke weed in my bathroom / quiet,
jeweled / our mouths swelling / our gods
listening / we discuss trans gun clubs.
how many trans people do you know who
own a gun? trick question-- not enough.
how many trans people do you think
would have survived the cops if they too
owned guns? trick answer-- impossible
to calculate. an infinite amount. that number
goes on forever. okay another one--
how many poets do you know
who have been arrested? trick question--
not enough. how many artists do you know
who smoke pot? trick answer-- all of them.
how many car accidents have you survived?
all of them. how many do you have left?
not enough. to live through? to die inside of--
okay another one-- how many dead
poets do you know? all of them. how
many gods do you know? not enough.
maybe i just don’t know what god looks
like. maybe i thought she was a joint but
really she was a car crash. maybe
the dude who crashed into my car was
just high. i’ve also been broken before.
i know disaster in my own language--
[the gun silencer and car muffler were
created parallel to each other due to their
similar technologies. the concept of cops
and the concept of arrest were created
parallel to each other due to their indistinguishable
praxis. the concept of being jailed and the
concept of being in a relationship were created
parallel to each other because i have had both
things happen to me and i’m still paying for it.
the concept of being god and the concept of
being poetry were created parallel to each
other because of their similar technologies.
the car accident functions as god. the jail
functions as poetry. the relationship functions
as a gun. the gun functions as god. the poetry
functions as a relationship. the car accident
or arrest happens and a trans person writes
a poem in which both of them are compared to
previous partners. i am broken [up with]
and i write / again / about the first severance.
about the first god. about the first time i caught
something parallel to poetry before it escaped]