Seth Abramson is the author of five collections of poetry, two of which are forthcoming—in 2015 and 2016—and the Series Co-Editor of Best American Experimental Writing, whose second edition will come out with Wesleyan University Press next year. Currently, he’s a doctoral student at UW-Madison studying contemporary poetry.
We’re like Anthony and Cleopatra. We’re like Lewis and Clark. We’re like Leopold and Loeb. We’re like Abbott and Costello. We’re like Gilbert and Sullivan. We’re like John and Paul. We’re like John and Yoko. We’re like Sonny and Cher. We’re like Ike and Tina. We’re like Diana and Dodi. We’re like Thelma and Louise. We’re like Jay and Silent Bob. We’re like Batman and Robin. We’re like Bert and Ernie. We’re like Ken and Barbie.We’re like Bugs and Daffy. We’re like Beavis and Butthead. We’re like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. We’re like Hansel and Gretel. We’re like Dick and Jane.
We’re like Jack and Jill. We’re like Jan & Dean. We’re like Simon & Garfunkel. We’re like Captain & Tennille. We’re like Cheech & Chong. We’re like Donny & Marie. We’re like Hall & Oates. We’re like Starsky & Hutch. We’re like Mork & Mindy. We’re like Laverne & Shirley. We’re like Penn & Teller. We’re like Bill & Ted. We’re like Ben & Jerry. We’re like Tom & Jerry. We’re like Rocky & Bullwinkle. We’re like Chip & Dale. We’re like Ren & Stimpy. We’re like Pinky & the Brain. We’re like Itchy & Scratchy. We’re like Terrance & Phillip.
We’re like Holmes and Watson. Like Bonnie and Clyde. Like Harold and Maude. Like Regis and Kathie Lee. Like Arnold and Willis. Like Zach and Screech. Like Urkel and Laura. Like Will and Carlton. Like Dorian and Turk. Like Jim and Dwight. Like Karen and Jack. Like Sam and Neal. Like George and Barbara. Like Robert and Claudia. Like all my exes and me.
Like AT&T. S&M. T&A. M&M. A&E. B&N. S&P. A&M. D&D. A&P. B&B. P&G. P&J. R&R. D&G. H&M. M&A. A&F. P&W. B&E. A&S. W&M. J&J. B&O.
OMG. CEO. IBM. FYI. TMI. FAQ. KKK. MLB. GMC. TNT. TSA. DOA. MMA. DWI. EMT. FCC. LLC. AIG. XXX. PVC. PNC. ENT. NIH. TWA. RPI. TDK. AGI. OMB. US.
ID. AC. TD. IQ. HD. GE. FX. GQ. DQ. AA. NA. BJ. BM. MD. KO. ET. OD. AI. LP. RN. IP. VD. YA. AV. EZ. XX. NH. MS. JP. LB. SB. PA. WC. MJ. AD.
CC. B. R. U. O. Y. C. X. P. G. K. T. J. Id. Pi. Bi. Ed. Op. Lo. Fa. Ta. Da. Ba. Ay. Oy. Ar. Um. Uh. Ah. Hm. Mm. Er. Eh. Aw. Om. Sh.
Your Yahoo! group receives your message. A cash deposit at an ATM clears. A laser treatment for cellulite achieves results. A DS1 communication is detected by planetary receivers. Moonlight reaches Earth. Your MCAT scores are sent through THx to a institutional recipient. A bounced email appears in your in-box.
Changes to your CloudFlare zone push out. Your nail polish dries. Participants in a SurveyMonkey survey receive their invitation. A spider finishes spinning its web. Your Viagra kicks in. Your Cialis kicks in.
Your SSL installation concludes. Hormone uptake from your removed Nuva Ring ceases. Your LinkedIn ad is approved. The chao in your Sonic Adventure 2 game evolves. Your dog’s Frontline application begins killing her fleas. Consumed food is incorporated into your breast milk.
Your ejaculated sperm fertilizes a female egg. An online bill payment reaches your biller. Your webpage is listed as “protected” under the Protected Pages list in the DMCA Protection Portal. Your receive a badge for being especially helpful to users of the Meta Stack Exchange.
DNS propagation completes. Nicotine leaves your bloodstream after the cessation of your smoking habit. Your diflucan kicks in. Your muscles begin recovery after a prolonged and strenuous workout. A check deposit at an ATM clears. Google Places updates newly verified listings, business names, addresses, phone numbers, website URLs, descriptions, pin marker moves, and categories. Corrections to your FAFSA are processed. A turkey thaws. A small canyon is formed. Stripe payments are transferred to your bank account. The quick of a dog’s nail recedes after a trimming of the tip. A Hepatitis B virus, lacking a human host, becomes inert. Google Places updates your photos and videos.
Your breast milk dries up after the cessation of breast-feeding. A database of cell phone towers is updated. Your Fiverr payment clears. A bird egg hatches. Google Places updates your duplicate and merged listings. Soft tissue heals after a tooth extraction. Your approved student loan is disbursed. Marijuana leaves your bloodstream. Your Amazon Visa rewards card points get credited. A credit transaction is reported to a credit reporting agency. A credit card payment is reported to a credit reporting agency. You begin to ovulate after removing your Nuva Ring.
The tomatoes you planted are ready to be harvested. A corporate merger goes through. A black hole consumes an object that originated at a point in space a hundred million miles distant. Your cat gives birth to a new litter. Your Hepatitis B completes its incubation period. An African child whose education and nourishment you sponsor receives your letter. Your divorce becomes final. Retinoids begin beneficially affecting the quality of your skin. You finish healing from your dental implant procedure. A hen begins laying eggs. A medical debt is sent to collection.
The IRS approves an organization’s 501(c)(3) status. Plastic photodegrades. The period for cashing in EE savings bonds begins. Your damaged credit progresses to “fair,” and you receive an unsecured credit card in the mail.
Epilepsy becomes intractable. HIV develops into AIDS. A genetically modified food product passes governmental safety tests and appears in stores nationwide.
Secondary-progressive Multiple Sclerosis develops.
An animal fossilizes.
* = Written using a Google search for the phrase “How long does it take”; the listed events were then summarized and ordered by duration, shortest to longest.
Source: Merriam-Webster Dictionary
Kings, queens, princesses, swords, bows, horses, doublets, tridents, daggers, stilettos, axes, clubs, Mace, Lances, pike, partisans, staves, slings, assassins, magicians, thieves, rogues, clerics, soldiers, castles, knights, bishops, pawns, crowns, flags, banners, trolls, ogres, fools, dwarves, bards, brownies, harps, lutes, gowns, wizards, fairies, deer, legends, hunters, rangers, wolves, poisons, pixies, muses, Sprites, hags, witches, imps, wanderers, nomads, devils, farriers, fletchers, cobblers, jesters, spirits, haunts, inns, barkeeps, sailors, mutton, vampires, harpies, hounds, satyrs, sphinxes, sirens, gargoyles, incubuses, serpents, chimeras, golems, ghouls, skeletons, tombs, Cyclops, heroes, villains, Drakes, gorgons, nymphs, virgins, ballads, dungeons, whips, gremlins, angels, behemoths, monsters, Griffins, man-eaters, hellhounds, outlaws, mummies, elves, doppelgangers, zombies, travelers, Raiders, Poltergeist,Leprechaun, fantasies, aliens, cowboys, Indians, robots, explorers, spacecraft, gamma rays, chivalry, ghoulishness, gigantism, caves, mincemeat, Joust, Fireballs, myths, acrobats, ships, lasers, portals, adventurers, role-playing, characters, modules, dice. A knife in the back and a death by fire.